[English] Love and fear of abandonment

Feeling empty. Feeling alone. When I am involved in a toxic relationship, even though I am aware of it, it’s hard for me to get out of this vicious circle by myself. I know I can’t go on like this, I’m not happy, but I can’t get out of there. It becomes obsessive. And one of the most recurrent fears is to never find anyone like that person again. I’m scared of loneliness; it’s as if this person is one of those things that only happens once in a lifetime. And although in fact loads of things have happened in my life, for me in that moment this person is the only thing that exists.

In my therapeutic work I find a lot of men (women also but at a lower percentage) who find it particularly difficult to be in a stable relationship. Their perspective is like this: the less commitment, the more freedom. It would seem that casual sex frees one from the fear of loneliness. However, it’s not like that, it’s still present. But it saves you from the possibility of being abandoned, that’s true. I give you that. If you don’t commit, then there is no possibility of being abandoned. And there is no greater sadness, no deeper connection with the fear of loneliness than being abandoned. That is the underlying reason for many arguments and breakups.

So much pain. So much hidden suffering in this society, so many unwanted children, so many mistakes made in bed, so many parents who left home and didn’t take responsibility for their babies or for other different problems in life. So many absent fathers. So many deadly traffic accidents, so many diseases, so many mothers suffering from cancer passing away even though their children were not yet ready to deal with it. The abandonment as a subconscious trauma is present in many scenarios. And then we wonder why relationships do not work? Spain is the second country in the European Union with the highest divorce rate, with an average of 400,000 per year. Five divorces taken place every minute, according to the Spanish Association of Family Lawyers.

Unfortunately a workable and harmonious relationship is good news. What is a couple? A friend you have sex with. Friends require trust, care, details, support in difficult times and an agreement about loyalty. If this happens, then love may be easier than it seems. However, it is essencial to reprocess our experiences of abandonment, whether from the present or the past time, to cure them emotionally and reinterpret them in an adequate and healthy way. Because even if we are not completely aware, our inner child may be scared and we must look after him/her. Loving without fear of being abandoned is the only way to love. And loving healthily is fun, is a plus in life, is an injection of motivating energy to face any project.

What is love? Love is never feeling alone again.